Dear resident insects of the Newark Street Community Garden,
I understand you have a biological niche to fill. And I know that certain of you, namely bees, are beneficial to my little vegetable operation. But the rest of you are completely annoying.
Mosquitoes: What is UP with you irritating little blood thieves this year? I guess it was all the rain in the spring, but the mosquito population is out of control. I’ve always had strong reactions to mosquito bites, so this year I’ve experienced a constant state of itchy welts and red blotches. I had to put makeup on my legs at my friend’s wedding so that I didn’t get to be known as that weird bridesmaid with the skin disease.
White flies: or whatever you are, you who like to feast on my collard greens. I take one step towards my brassica bed and suddenly I am attacked by swarms of little white flies. My collards are a total loss at this point because they seem to be covered in your eggs, or your waste, or whatever. Pfft.
Spiders: You are totally creepy, and like to pop out of nowhere just to freak me out. I am told you are good at keeping the insect population down generally, but your job performace is seriously in doubt right now.
Other random flies: Why why WHY do you find it so irresistable to divebomb into my eyes and nostrils when I’m in the garden? It doesn’t work out so well for you either, as you immediately disintegrate in my mucous membranes. This is gross, and needs to stop.
Please leave me and my garden plot in peace. Jerks.